Once again this month has been very busy, leaving me little time to myself, making it hard to find a moment to write. That is until this past holiday weekend when I was sans husband or children in our house—a house, I might add, I had NEVER once spent a night alone in six years we lived there. Check the box on that bucket list now…

Before you (A) start thinking I had a pity party, or (B) you feel sorry for my solitude, please understand: I believe that both my crazy, busy life and the respite I was able to take from it were LUXURIES, and I felt quite fortunate to be able to experience them—one for the very first time.

Being busy: a full life is a blessing—a gift—and I am not complaining one bit. I have a gratifying and challenging career that I am passionate about in an industry that is constantly changing (I now realize I am most comfortable with evolution and change—but that’s another post). I am also lucky that what I love to do also can pay the bills—and I know this is not to be taken for granted.

I know parents especially will totally understand what I am about to say next: it’s also a gift to have time alone—and I don’t mean an afternoon, because I’ve had those and that is great. I mean a full day or so to make my own rules, eat what and when I want, go to bed and wake up when I please, read, watch a movie that only I’ve been dying to to see and just pace my day as I wish.

Hold on, no need to call the Mom Police just yet… yes, after a day or so I did miss my family and couldn’t wait for them to come home; and as much as I appreciated the alone, I was reminded of how much I also appreciate and treasure the time we have together. However, I think I have a new appreciation for how how lucky I am because I have not only an awareness, but have recently experienced this duality. It’s like how the rain makes one appreciate the sunshine; the winter makes one appreciate the spring and summer; having experienced a broken heart can grant a unique perspective of gratitude for and a deep desire to nurture true love when it finally surfaces; knowing deep sorrow that comes with experiences like loss, betrayal, disappointment and failure gives one full comprehension of the gravity that joy, love, pride, forgiveness and hope brings.

So my cup runs over even though I feel like a walking contradiction in a way I have never experienced before. I am recharged–I feel my well is both full and needing to be filled again at the same time. I feel fully aware there are options, I am not constrained by choices of the past and aware that no state is a forever state. This is freeing and frightening all at once. I think “balance” is an over-used, almost unattainable ideal, but I have a better idea what is worth a barter and what I should let alone, or just see how it plays out. A master plan isn’t necessary for everything–sometime the best plan is “let’s see how this shakes out…” This is a marked shift for me.

I’m no fool, I know an a-ha moment isn’t necessarily like a light switch that is turned on, and that’s it. It can flicker a bit before it truly illuminates, so let’s see how long this lasts. Tonight I’m really happy to be home for dinner though.

Related Posts:
April Roller Coaster Recap: 6 A-Ha Moments
Where I’m At: Getting Real
Giving Forgiveness, Finding Empathy
Getting Grateful, Feeling Fortunate, Giving Luck
If Only: The Lessons I Wish My Kids Didn’t Have To Learn